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« Only the "nasty party" would oust Michael Howard | Main | Saatchi vs Ashcroft »

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Amazin' Hayes

For the two or three of you out there who are slightly less ill-disposed towards the former Leader of HM Loyal Opposition, I bring the heartwarming news that the man himself, far from letting all the above hilarity get him down, seems to have derived therapeutic inspiration from it. I spied the UK's pre-eminent bald comedian the other evening, just before midnight, standing outside the gates of Downing Street. He cut the usual, forlorn figure, save for the fact that he was sporting a pair of outsize, horn-rimmed spectacles. As I approached, I could hear him muttering to himself in what I eventually gleaned to be a North Country accent. Well, he is the most talented mimic, as his two or three admirers never cease to tell us, but which bald, northern comic was he impersonating? His immediate predecessor? But no, for then the penny dropped! Before my eyes, Iain Duncan Smith was keeping up his faint spirits by pretending to be... Jim Bowen! One can only surmise that he has nothing to do in the daytime now, but watch "classic" repeats of old game shows on satellite TV, but I digress. There he was, old IDS, gazing down towards the old black door of No.10, forefinger on his comedy specs, saying to himself..."come an' see what yer wudda won...." Then, most touchingly of all, he turned on his heels and scampered down Whitehall, cheeringly telling himself "Yer caan't beat a bitta Betsy!"

Unhandy Andy Notverycoolson

I've found this thread very illuminating as I brush up on the Tory Party, but I must say that I find all of your comments about bald leaders very uncharitable. Some of the greatest leaders of the party have been bald. Howard; Hague (alright, not Duncan Smith). That's why I've been advising Dave to restore his old "slicked back" look, of late. My predecessors apparently saw some resemblance to a dodgy spiv and persuaded him to soften the old helmet with a softer, more blow-dried look. But there are no votes these days, in looking so anonymously normal. These spivvy, brylcreemed, used car salesmen stand out for a reason, you know! An old Mondeo is just like the next lot's old Mondeo unless you get noticed, mate! So it's back to the greasy slicked back look for Ravin' Dave!! And I tell you what - if he slicks it back so much that he goes bald, well, a) he gets noticed even more in the sun (there's an awful pun there, but old habits die hard, as Dave could tell you too, know what I mean) and b) he joins the pantheon of great bald leaders like Hague and Howard. But not Duncan Smith.

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