The Government of no talent, in limericks

After his valiant efforts on Friday's jokes post, reader John Leonard has penned a poetic tribute to Brown's Cabinet:

A dithering big ‘feartie’ called Brown,

Had a face that was always a frown,

His hands were all shaky,

His vision was flaky,

In short, a political clown.

The Home Sec’s name was Smiff,

She had an incredible tiff,

To defend Ian Blair,

Left her in despair,

And remembering that toke on a spliff.

In housing there was ‘nosey’ Cooper,

Who hired an army of snoopers,

But she’ll have her chips,

When they throw out her HIPS,

And she’ll end up a lavatory super.

That wily old fox called Jack Straw,

Dragged down an old lag to the floor,

The lag said what’s wrong,

It’s early release that I’m on,

Compensation I’ll have coz I’m sore.


Feel sorry for poor Hilary Benn,

The Broon Curse got him again and again,

He caught foot and mouth,

From a flood in the south,

The credit, Brown took even then.


Brown’s favourite ‘Young Turk’ Ed Balls,

Strutted smugly through Westminster’s Halls,

His policy on schools,

Was the gibbering of fools,

With their trousers down showing their smalls.


That chattering chipmunk called Blears,

Who increased communities’ fears,

By talking too much,

About nothing as such,

Cept’ Nu Labour speak thru’ the years.


Work & Pensions got old Peter Hain,

Who once caused South Africa pain,

But he caused greater tensions,

By wrecking our pensions,

And sporting a fake poncy tan.


The Chief Whip was gormless Geoff Hoon,

Without doubt Labour’s greatest buffoon,

He proved at defence,

He was just far too dense,

But Gordon still made him his goon.


The elusive Scots creature Des Browne,

When there’s trouble he’s never around,

While the MOD’s sinking,

He’s too busy thinking,

Of Edinburgh, Glasgow and Troon .


Alexander was called a Young Turk,

The election was his, as a perk,

But he eased off the throttle,

When Brown lost his bottle,

And now he looks just like a berk.


The Olympics belonged to the Jowell,

The overspend made people howl,

In regard to the south,

She ne’er opened her mouth,

And the voters just thought of her foul.


Jim Murphy was European Minister,

His sly actions were truly sinister,

Giving Sovereignty away,

Without people’s say,

Unquestionably, the most devious twister.


The Milliband Brothers had need,

To climb up the ladder with speed,

But poor Dave, in Browns’ malice,

Got the Foreign poisoned chalice,

To ensure that he’s kept on a lead.


Don’t forget ‘Opus Dei’ Kelly,

Her fouls ups have made her a nellie,

Now pay back that cash,

For propaganda rash,

Or you’ll get Gorbals’ Mick’s great big wellie.


Last and so least there is Harman,

Who’d be better off at work as a barman,

For when the House growls,

She always cries ‘foul’,

And whines ‘Don’t hurt me I’m only a woman’.



A Cabinet of no talent at all,

Will head for the mightiest fall,

For spin and deceit,

Incompetence, complete,

Will lead to Gordon, black-balled.

Comments

[jon h]

fantastic! Someone should do cartoons to go with them!

[johnC]

It's certain these comments are fair,
But someone has entered thin air.
It's Brown's little puppet,
A meaningless muppet,
Yes, Alistair Darling's not there.

[George Hinton]

Hilarious. Should be much more ribald.

But we must respect Mr Ed's views.

[Malcolm Dunn]

Much better than I could do Mr Leonard. Did it take you a long time?

[mike clarke]

See that Darling, Not the Chancellor of the Exchequer, doesn't feature. Have I missed something? has he been sacked? Or is John Leonard hinting at what we already know, that is to say that Darling of of no coonsequence whatsoever!

[Alan Douglas]

Surely you missed the most important of the lot !

Darling, poor clone i/c the Exchequer
was at his best while being a wrecker
yet in face of dear Prudence
he wouldd just sit on the fence
and would never dare threaten to deck her

Alan Douglas

[John Leonard]

Indeed a very good spot! I did overlook the Mr Darling (it was very late when I wrote it) but I don't think it was a great oversight as we all know who really is running the treasury!

Alan D/ JohnC excellent stuff!

Malcolm D: Surprisingly it only took a few hours.

Thanks guys!

[David Sergeant]

Tried to do limeric but just not up to it. Surprise Brown nodding off at the Albert Hall AND the BBC showing it. (suppose heads are rolling now)

Anyway, what's a feartie?

[Ken Stevens]

I rhyme in the mode of McGonagall
Whilst John Leonard ‘s are more metronomical.
I try hard as I can but it simply don’t scan,
So my point is dissipated when I say that the government’s failings are nothing short of astronomical.

McGonagall’s rhymes I surpass
Compared with mine, his are first class.
But John Leonard, oh wow ! He’s said it - and how!
This government’s a pain in the ass

Having sat at my PC at home
in futile attempt at a pome,
I’m as clueless a clown as that lacklustre Brown
So, sorry conservativehome.

[David Cooper]

To Darling it came as a shock
When the crisis that felled Northern Rock
Despite long foreseen gravity
Was dodged by Macavity
So his head was left on the block

[John Leonard]

David Sargeant:

If you missed it, Alex Salmond observed after the Election was cancelled:

"Gordon Brown is not so much the Grand Old Duke of York - more the big feartie from Fife!"

From wikipedia:

feardie/feartie (Scottish) - frightened person, coward.

[Ken Stevens]

Limericks are not, I fear
(as said above, my forté here.
So I will change poetic gear
and copy nonsense style of Lear,
(- and tints of Carroll do appear):

Said the pobble who had no toes
“What’s Brown’s vision? Heaven knows!”

Averred the uncouth axolotl
“Gordon Brown ain’t got no botl.”

Quoth the fiery salamander
“NuLab rules by gerrymander.”

Slurred the tired, emotional newt
“Brown’sh guvvermint should get the boot.”

Chameleon of varied hue
Said “Government must change to blue.”

Jabberwock, so boldly snarling
“Let Osborne take the place of Darling.”

Said the gimbling slithy tove
“Swap Ed Balls for Michael Gove.”

A Runcible Spoon came clamourin’ :-
“Chuck out Broon. Vote Cameron in.”

[Stewart]

The 'PC' police chief Ian Blair,
Whose record is much less than fair,
Pursues with great pace,
Without seeing a face,
Anyone with tight frizzy hair

[Editor]

Great stuff John. Thanks!

[Stewart]

Sir, please consider some further offerings from the New Labour era.

A deputy Prime Minister named John,
Enjoyed some croquet on the lawn,
He sighed to his mates,
As he tapped through the gates,
There'll be no word of this when Blair's gone!

There was an old staffer named Temple,
Whose function in life was quite simple,
She was made to prostrate,
In an office of state,
'Neath a weight that would make most girls crumple.

There was a wee ginger named Charlie,
Who couldn't stick to the orange and barley,
He appeared on Newsnight,
And put up a good fight,
But went down for the sake of his party.

There was a young press hack named Piers,
Whose career should have ended in jeers,
He set up our troops,
With some rank rotten scoops,
The **** should have got twenty years!