Jokes for the weekend

Know any good political jokes? Here's an adaptation of an American one we saw on the ASI's blog:

A lobbyist on his way home from working in Parliament came to a stop in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic jam seems worse than usual."

Then he noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the holdup?"

The officer replied, "The Prime Minister is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why he bottled out of the election, or that he was planning his inheritance tax cut all along. So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asked, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replied, "About forty gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

All in jest...

Comments

[Comstock]

"Know any good political jokes?"

The current Lib Dem leadership election?

Heck I follow politics more than most folks I know and I don't give a stuff who wins......

[Pisaboy]

The problem with political jokes is that they get elected!!

*
The government is sneaky. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you drink more.
*
Honesty in politics is much like oxygen. The higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes.
*
During Britain's "brain drain," not a single politician left the country.
*
Make your MP work - don't re-elect him.

[Traditional Tory]

COMMENT OVERRIDDEN - TOO RISQUE

[Graeme Archer]

--Knock knock

--Who's there?

--THe interrupting cow

--The interrupting cow wh--

--MOOOOOOO

It's not political I suppose but it makes me laugh. Well since everything is political then so must silly jokes about moo-cows be.

[Traditional Tory]

COMMENT OVERRIDDEN - SORRY TT WE'LL AVOID SEX-RELATED ONES IF YOU DON'T MIND!

[Christina M]

Conservative Home should stop making fun of Gordon Brown's vision! We all know it's mono.

[Christina M]

You Tories will never win here in Norfolk if you keep tellin us you're goin to reduce taxes. We NEED our TAXES! The buses are terrible round here.

[Dick Wishart]

Gordon Brown for Prime Minister!

[Comstock]

Long before we had the web, we had USENET. And from the deepest recesses of its archives, here's a few from my late teens (early 90s)

What was the Prime Minister's name in 1969 ?

John Major was already called John Major in 1969.The main difference is that now we call him a pillock as well.
...........

What is the difference between Norman Lamont and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own. (will be totally lost on anyone less than about 30!)

..........

How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light-bulb?

All of them. John Major screws it up and all the rest tell him what a good job he is doing.

[Londoner]

Surely even Gordon Brown would take pleasure from the headline "Brown sacks Blair"... and now at last he has the opportunity to get it.

[Londoner]

What do you call a Lib Dem leadership with no drink or sex in it?

About as dull as a life with no...

[John Leonard]

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Gordon Brown"

3. Send it to the recycle bin.

4. Empty the recycle bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Gordon Brown?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

PS: Next week we'll do (enter appropriate Cabinet Minister's Name).

[Christina M]

News alert!

Nick Griffin of the BNP has just emerged from No 10 Downing St after talks with the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown.

In a joint statement they both stated that both see 'eye to eye' on the 'British jobs for British workers' policy.

[Harry]

Chap in the Midlands goes into his usual pub and greets his friend the barman.

'Have you heard that joke about the young Conservative who went into a pub?'

'Watch it' comes a voice from down the room, 'I'm a young Conservative!'

'Don't let it worry you' says the first chap, 'I'll tell it slowly!'

[Martin Callanan MEP]

The word 'Politics' is derived from the words 'Poly', meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'blood-sucking leeches'!

[Dontmakemelaugh]

Edward Heath: "We wont lose our sovereignty - over my dead body"

[John]

Hobson’s Choice

Q What’s the difference between the Borg Collective and the Labour Party?
A Absolutely none. (Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated).

Labour In Freefall

Gordon Brown, Ed Balls & Alistair Darling are flying to a summit. Ed looks at Alistair, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a £50 note out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Alistair shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw 5, £10 notes out the window and make 5 people very happy".

Gordon examines his perfectly manicured fingers and says, "Of course, then, I-I-I-I-I could throw 10 £5 notes out the window and make a 10 people very happy. "

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Labour Sold A Pup

Yvette Cooper was on her way to Downing Street when she came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?"

The boy replies, "They're Nu Labour puppies, Misses." With this she smiles and walks off.

Later on that day she mentions to Ed about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week Ed was on his way to The Commons and saw the boy and his puppies. He stops and asks the boy, "What kind of puppies are they?"

The boy replies, "They're Conservative puppies, Sir."

"Conservative puppies? "Ed asked. "Last week you told my wife they were Labour puppies."

The boy replied, "I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes."

The Price of Courage

One day Gordon Brown was out jogging and accidentally fell into the Thames. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet Prime Minister out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the Prime Minister of Great Britain today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Gordon.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Brown.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

The Truth Will Out

Gordon Brown died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Gordon Brown."

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Brown thought a bit and answered, "Well, I told the people I had a vision when I didn’t. I guess I tricked them into allowing me to waste their taxes, but you couldn't hold that against me because they were stealth taxes.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Second Hand Ideas

A man went in for a Brain transplant operation and was offered a choice of two brains by the surgeon. He could choose either the Architect's brain which would cost him £10,000 or a Labour Politician's which was £100,000.

"Does that mean that the Labour politician's brain is much better than the Architect's?" exclaimed the clearly puzzled man.

"Not exactly" replied the surgeon, "the Labour politician's has never been used."

Elementary Prime Minister

One day Gordon Brown is going to give a speech at an academy. He asks the teacher what the children are studying and she replies that they are learning about Greek Tragedies. So the Prime Minister decides to talk about Tragedies. He asks a student, "What would you consider to be a tragedy?"

The kid thinks for awhile and then says, "If a boy is running after a ball into a street and gets run over by a car and dies."

Brown responds, "No, I don't think that's a tragedy... that's an accident." Then Brown asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

The kid says, "If a bus full of kids drives over a cliff and they all die."

This time Brown says, "I don't think that's a tragedy... I think that's a great loss." So again Brown asks another kid to give an example of a tragedy.

The kid responds, "If you and Alistair Darling are on Blair Force One and it crashes."

"Right!" says Brown to the kid. "That would be a tragedy... how did you ever know that?"

Quickly, the kid replies, "Because I know it's not an accident and it's certainly not a great loss."

[Tony Makara]

Two Labour supporters are chatting on a park bench.

1st one says "Phew, I'm glad we didn't have that election, we don't want to let the tories back in"

2nd one says "Yes, the public might have fallen for all those lies Cameron and Osborne have been telling"

1st one "Too true, thank god we've got an honest prime minister who always tells the truth"

2nd one "Yes, Gordon Brown has done so much for our country, like Gordon says we are on the verge of full employment and the economy is good"

1st one "Too right, thats typical of good old Gordon, just getting on with the job!"

2nd one "So where are you off to comrade?"

1st one "I'm just off to sign on how about you?"

2nd one "Well, actually I shouldn't really be here chatting, I've got to get down to the high street sharpish because there has been yet another run on my bank"

[John]

PRESS RELEASE **** PRESS RELEASE **** PRESS RELEASE

Gordon Brown will soon be reissuing this shortly to all Reservists:-

Under the Emergency Powers Act (1939) as amended by the Defence Act (1978), you are hereby notified that you are required to place yourself on standby for possible compulsory military service in the British Section of an America/NATO Conflict. You may shortly be ordered to depart for the Middle East where you will join either the 3rd Battalion The Queen's Own Suicidal Conscripts or the 2nd Foot and Mouth.

Due to the recent rundown of the Navy and the refusal of P&O to lend us any of their liners, because of the deplorable state in which they were returned after the Falklands adventure, it will be necessary for you
to make your own way to the combat zone.

H.M. Government have been able to negotiate a 20% discount on one way trips with Virgin Airlines and you are strongly urged to take advantage of this offer (RyanAir also do a nice little £9.99 trip).

Because of cutbacks in Government expenditure in recent years it will be necessary for you to provide yourself with the following equipment as soon as possible:
* Combat Jacket
* Trousers(preferably khaki - but please no denim)
* Tin helmet
* Boots (or a pair of sturdy trainers)
* Gas mask
* Map of the combat zone (the Ordinance Survey 1:2800 Outdoor
Leisure Map of Afghanistan will do)
* Rifle (or any similar weapon)
* Ammunition (preferably to suit previous item)
* Suntan oil

If you are in a position to afford it, we would like you to buy a tank. (Vickers Defence of Banbury are currently offering all new conscripts a 0% finance deal on all X registration Chieftains, but hurry, as offer is only available whilst stocks last).

We would like to reassure you that in the unlikely event of anything going wrong, you will receive a free burial in the graveyard of your choice, and your next of kin will be entitled to the new War Widows pension of £1.75 per calendar month, index-linked but subject to means testing, and fully repayable should our side eventually lose.

There may be little time for formal military training before your departure and so we advise that you hire videos of the following films and try and pick up a few tips as you watch:
* The Guns of Navarone
* Kelly's Heroes
* A Bridge to Far
* The Longest Day
* Apocalypse Now
* The Matrix
* Blazing Saddles
* The Desert Song
* Mary Poppins

We do not recommend that you watch Khartoum.

To mentally prepare yourself for your mission try reading the works of Wilfred Owen or Rupert Brookes. This should give you some idea of what may be involved.

Yours faithfully, G. Brown PM
A Bush - Brown Production and ....
Sponsored by Mars, The Official snack food of World War III

[John]

A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said she believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Smith said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Gordon Brown, speaking from his beach hut before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes

[Comstock]

John- Brilliant!!

[Dontmakemelaugh]

Posted by: John | November 09, 2007 at 21:52

Very clever, John. I liked it and it certainly made me laugh.

[Opinicus]

I see that the EU auditors have refused to sign off the EU accounts for the 13th year running, which reminds me...

The EU Commissioner for Development was at an aid conference in Nigeria. He turned up at the Nigerian minister's villa in the hills, a huge place with two swimming pools and five Mercedes. How can you afford this on your salary asked the EU commissioner. Come with me to see the aid work tomorrow and I will show you. They flew up over a huge hydroelectric dam project, the Minister looked down and smiled. Do you see that he said, me 10%.

The next year the conference was in Dublin and the Nigerian Minister visited the EU Commissioner's country estate. 18th Century with baroque masters on every wall except where the Rapheal had pride of place in the Drawing room. Outside a row of Bentleys obscured the view over the parterre to the pheasant woods beyond. Wow said the Nigerian minister I know you Commissioners scrape a living out of your taxpayers but how can you afford this? Let me show you an EU project in Ireland tomorrow and I'll explain. So they flew up over a rather soggy bit of bog and the Commissioner looked down and smiled. Do you see that hydro electric dam project down there. Where? Me 100%.

[Opinicus]

You cannot blame Gordon for lying and changing his mind. Those were not his views, they were his interviews.

[Simon R]

Ask Me If I'm an orange
'Are you an orange'
No

Ps. The interrupting cow joke has been the only one to make me laugh out of this whole bunch.

[John Smith]

Jonathon, that's just stupid. As you probably well know, the overwhelming majority of errors in EU accounts are the fault of the states, and as a result of the auditors only looking a year at a time, the Commission's usual successes in clawing the money back is never reported.

I know it serves your purposes to spread fear and loathing of our best hope for the future, but do try to at least look for less ridiculous examples.