And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Gordianus that all the world should be taxed, but especially Britannia. For as Gordianus said unto the Senate:
"Things are going really well. We have doubled the number of slaves in the Imperial Household, and for the first time since 345 BC it is easier for a rich man to enter the House of Lords than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. I need funds to pay for the legions which Antoninus hath sent to do battle in Babylonia – but more importantly I need xxx pieces of silver to give to the Vulcan Institute, who are the only people prepared to employ Sphericus, my useless centurion."
But while Joseph thought on these things, behold Gabriel the Accountant appeared unto him saying "Joseph, I have good news, bad news and very bad news." And Joseph replied "Tell me even these things." And Gabriel saith "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife, for around the end of December she will become eligible for Working Family Tax Credit by the operation of the Holy Spirit. But unfortunately, you shall have to go to register into Judaea, unto the City of David which is called Bethlehem; because the schools in Nazareth are all in special measures." And Joseph asked what the very bad news was, and thereto Gabriel presented his bill for calculating the annual tax return of Joseph. And Joseph called on the name of JESUS.
So it came to pass that Joseph and Mary went unto Bethlehem for the child to be born. And they travelled on a donkey, because, what with all the green taxes and everything they could in no wise afford any other form of transport. And Mary brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger, for with the council taxes they could not afford anything better on the property ladder.
Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, saying:
"We seek asylum. And we will present unto you gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh. But first you must drop the police investigation of Britannicus Aerospace.”
Then Herod, when he had gathered all the chief priests and scribes of the People’s Party together, said that it was really nothing to do with him at all, it being in the independent arm’s length hands of Caiaphas the Attorney-General. And Caiaphas said:
"No problem. How high wouldst thou likest me to jump?" And then Caiaphas added "By the way, Herod, Lord Hutton has just cleared you of any involvement in the massacre of the first born. Apparently it was all the fault of the children."
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over what was left of their flock by night. And, lo, the Rural Payments Angel came upon them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them "Fear not: for behold, I am from the Government and I am here to help you." At which the shepherds said one to another "Let us make haste and go even now unto Bethlehem and maybe this time we can save some of our flock from utter obliteration at the hands of this idiot." And they did even that, fleeing for their very lives, and that of their flock also, and the Angel did follow them crying out "No, really, I bring you good tidings of great joy. Press the red button now!" And as the Angel followed them, lo, he was caught by a speed camera and fined xxix denarii.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.
Good piece William, I'd also recommend the New Culture Forum's politically incorrect Christmas wishes...
http://newcultureforum.blogspot.com/2006/12/wishful-thoughts-for-2007.html
Posted by: Anglian | December 23, 2006 at 10:44
I don't find that at all funny.
Pity Mr Norton doesn't spend more time reading his bible rather than churning out tripe that mocks the Christmas message.
Posted by: John Irvine | December 23, 2006 at 10:45
As usual William I think this is truly excellent. I too am a Christian but my faith is sufficiently strong that I don't feel that a political satire of this nature, even one that is based on the Christmas story, is in any way inappropriate. Lighten up John Irvine - and happy Christmas to one and all...!
Posted by: Donal Blaney | December 23, 2006 at 10:56
That was Hilarious! Up to standard William. I agree with Donal. Please LIGHTEN UP Mr. Irvine.
Posted by: Annabel Herriott | December 23, 2006 at 11:05
Oh John Irvine don't be so miserable!! It is possible to have religious beliefs - and a sense of humour....!
Posted by: Sally Roberts | December 23, 2006 at 11:24
Ever heard of satire Mr Irvine!! Very good I thought.
Posted by: Andrew Woodman | December 23, 2006 at 11:31
Tres Amusant Mr Norton. None of this happy holidays nonsense - Merry Christmas, and here's to a great 2007!!
Posted by: Jonathan Sheppard | December 23, 2006 at 11:41
:-)
Nadolig llawen ac y Calan hapus!
Posted by: Daniel VA | December 23, 2006 at 12:05
Pity Mr Norton can't find time to carry out his duties in the London Eastern Area in his capacity as Deputy Chairman (Political).
There have been more sightings of Mr Osama Bin Laden than Mr Norton...
Posted by: Depressed In Hackney | December 23, 2006 at 13:38
ooh! That last comment wasn't from me by the way. I thought it was very funny William.
Posted by: Graeme Archer | December 23, 2006 at 13:51
Very amusing - I hope we can look forward to similar satire of the next Muslim festival, whatever it is and whenever it comes up! That would be both funny and brave.
Merry Christmas to everyone.
Posted by: Derek | December 23, 2006 at 14:16
Oh William! I cackled like a fishwife when I read that, and if Mr. Irvine is not joking, but for real then perhaps he should pal up with Mr. Brown! He - Irvine perhaps, has troubles with reading, as, as far as I could see the Holy Family were not in any way denigrated....
Hope there will be many more of your gems in 2007!!
HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE AND ALL THE BEST FOR 2007!
Posted by: Patsy Sergeant | December 23, 2006 at 15:37
Not funny, Mr Norton. You clearly have too much time on your hands. I somehow doubt that you would have it in you to parody Islam in as irreverent a manner.
Posted by: John Coles | December 23, 2006 at 15:37
Why would you parody Islam at Christmas time John? Lighten up and have a mince pie!
Posted by: Anon | December 23, 2006 at 16:01
Well done William I've missed your humour on this blog. A very merry Christmas to all and best wishes for 2007.
Posted by: malcolm | December 23, 2006 at 16:02
Nice one William and a Very Merry Christmas to you!
Couple of points though:
1) William is no longer DC Political for the NE London Area having resigned several months ago due to his taking a new job in Birmingham. I know this because I am myself an elected officer of the NE London Area Management Exec.
2) Sadly John Irvine clearly shows that it isn't just fundamentalist Muslims who lack any sense of humour regarding their faith. No wonder that "More people in Britain think religion causes harm than believe it does good" between the various religious fundamentalists and ridiculous and foolish pronouncements from the increasingly bonkers Archbishop of Canterbury.
Posted by: Matt Davis | December 23, 2006 at 16:13
"William is no longer DC Political for the NE London Area having resigned several months ago..." Good. But how comes we've never heard of you, Matt?
Posted by: Depressed In Hackney | December 23, 2006 at 16:42
You're a bundle of joy in Hackney aren't you. Lighten up a bit. It is christmas.
Posted by: Andrew Woodman | December 23, 2006 at 17:05
Depressed of Hackney Probably you don't know me because Area Officers are divided up geographically across the area, which runs from Islington to Havering and Tower Hamlets to Enfield and I mainly deal with Waltham Forest, Ilford and some of the Havering bits.Having said that I was much in evidence during the Queensbridge By Election but since we don't know who you really are I can't say as to whether I know you or not.
There is currently a vacancy for Area DC Pol, perhaps you'd like to put yourself forwards for that?
Posted by: Matt Davis | December 23, 2006 at 17:30
Depressed in Hackney - as I am another officer of London NE Area, would you like to tell me what you have done for the Party in the last year? Perhaps you would like to put yourself forward for officership at our next AGM, and see what it's like balancing a career, political service, work for your own Association and one-third of London's Associations.
Well done William, and perhaps some people might just realise that this is satire on Labour, not Christianity, if they didn't go into automatic protest mode first. Shades of Life of Brian!
Posted by: sjm | December 23, 2006 at 17:45
Sadly John Irvine clearly shows that it isn't just fundamentalist Muslims who lack any sense of humour regarding their faith
No reason they should in fact.........I live in a country which has little sense of humour about race or GLBT issues and yet there are many who find skin colour and sexual identity highly humorous.
It is just a pity that those who are broadminded about spoofingg religion are so sensitive and puritanical about other tastes in humour
Posted by: ToMTom | December 23, 2006 at 17:56
I wonder if depressed of Hackney is actually from Hackney? William was a superb officer who worked well beyond the bounds of duty across the area.
The Hackney Conservatives are an excellent group who work and campaign hard with limited resources.The activists and councillors know William well and would be unlikley to write such nonsense.
The article was also great fun
Posted by: Cllr Peter Golds | December 23, 2006 at 19:27
"Depressed in Hackney"'s attack on William is unfair on a number of grounds:
1) As Matt points out, William lives in Birmingham, not east London.
2) "Depressed" links his name directly to the official Hackney website, making it possibly appear a pseudo-official message, which of course it isn't.
3) He then rounds on Matt. If Matt is the same Matt whom I've met at nearly every east London event ever, the ball-of-energy-in-human-Matt form, aka extremely nice Matt, then his attack on Matt is ludicrous.
4) This whole "depressed in Hackney" thing is a bit 1970s, no? I was in Broadway Market earlier, picking up the last minute parsnips and fennel &c, there was nothing depressing to be seen. More joyous to be honest.
5) It's practically Christmas Eve. Merry tidings of goodwill and all that.
Posted by: Graeme Archer | December 23, 2006 at 19:33
Wm Norton, Esq
I need not tell you to ignore the hairshirt Christian fundamentalists.
May the bounteous produce of the Welsh Marches increase your girth, and your cup overflow.
With seasonal felicities,
Og
Posted by: Og | December 23, 2006 at 20:03
Matt Davis. You have my sympathy if your remit covers Ilford (Redbridge) you have your work cut out dealing with that Borough. I could write a book about my involvement as Leader of the Council for two years until May 2006 and as an activist and Councillor for a number of years before that dating from the mid 80's. Good luck to you.
Posted by: LaurenceDavies | December 23, 2006 at 20:12
Not at all funny
Posted by: disillusioned activist | December 23, 2006 at 22:27
Hilarious! Welcome back William, and please let's see more of this. You have a great talent for comedy.
Merry Christmas to all at CHome - even to the more obvious trolls.
Posted by: Geoff | December 23, 2006 at 23:05
I strongly recommend checking out this self-deprecating xmas card by the Commission for Racial Equality.
Posted by: Deputy Editor | December 24, 2006 at 05:02
gold, and frankincense, and myrrh
Myrrh is a constituent of perfumes and incense, was highly prized in ancient times, and was often worth more than its weight in gold. In ancient Rome myrrh was priced at 5 times as much as frankincense, though the latter was far more popular. Myrrh was burned in ancient Roman funerals to mask the smell emanating from charring corpses. Myrrh was used as an embalming ointment
Nice present for the newborn
Posted by: ToMTom | December 24, 2006 at 08:08
Graeme, thanks for your kind words, although the ball analogy will be even truer once I have eaten my way through Christmas!
Laurence we do vaguely know each other, I am also deputy leader of the Waltham Forest Council group and we have met at London Council events, you'd know me if you saw me. You certainly did have a rough time with the Redbridge Group so I guess the commiserations should be reciprocated.
A Very Happy Christmas To You All
(yes, even you Changetowin, if you really exist that is).
Posted by: Matt Davis | December 24, 2006 at 16:38