William Norton's Form Guide to the Labour Leadership Race

We all enjoy a good leadership election, and now it's Labour's turn - although, of course, being Labour they're nine months behind the game and it will take them twice as long as everyone else.  Whoever said Tony Blair had ditched the trade union traditions of his party?

The leaking of the notorious departure memo to the Mirror and the departure date to The Sun have clearly fired the starting gun for the race to succeed Blair.  Equally clearly, this is A Big Story, right up there with the Pakistan ball tampering allegations and the Australian crocodile chap.  In our relentless quest to ensure that our readers have the most up-to-date and informed inside commentary, Conservative Home therefore presents its Form Guide to the Labour Leadership Race and analysis of the main contenders.

 

GORDON BROWN (11/10)

Current job: God, apparently.

Campaign soundbite: "I'm going to win and when I'm Leader I'll break both your legs if you didn't back me."

Unique selling point: Only Gordon Brown has the experience, the ability and the bright ideas to solve Britain's deep-seated and long-term structural problems.

Potential downside: Gordon Brown has in fact caused most of Britain's deep-seated and long-term structural problems.

Summary: Don't underestimate this formidable street-fighter.  Watch out for 9 months of damaging leaks revealing failure and incompetence in the Home Office, the Education dept, the Home Office, Defra, and also the Home Office.  Rumours to the effect that Brown has hired James Frayne as his Campaign Director are so far unconfirmed.

ETHELREID THE UNREADY (9/11 from 7/7)
Current job: Minister for Alarmist Media Stunts.
Campaign soundbite: "You'll only get one chance to shaft Gordon, so make sure it counts."
Unique selling point: A dynamic, canny operator with his finger on the pulse of Middle Britain's hopes and fears and a enviable CV of some of Government's toughest portfolios.
Potential downside: He's a complete <edited>
Summary: Don't underestimate this formidable street-fighter.  Watch out for 9 months of speeches about the need to cut taxes on the poor, the threat to Britain's global competitiveness from over-regulation, why the next PM should have experience in Health/Northern Ireland/Defence/Home Office etc etc.  Rumours to the effect that Reid has hired Iain Dale as his Chief of Staff are so far unconfirmed.

POSTMAN PAT (6.5/10 must try harder)

Current job: Minister for Fiddling Exam Results.

Campaign soundbite: "I'm English."

Unique selling point: As the owner of Jess, his black and white cat, he is the candidate best placed to fill the void in British public life created by the death of Humphrey, the Downing St moggie.

Potential downside: Can you really bear the thought of 10 years of Postman Pat jokes?

Summary: Don't underestimate this formidable street-fighter.  As a former union leader it could be argued that he has just the skills Labour need most right now: the ability to cobble together a corrupt compromise which rides roughshod over the views of the membership.  Rumours to the effect that he has hired Bob The Builder as his Media Spokesman are so far unconfirmed.

 

KONNIE HUQ (5/5.30, Mondays to Fridays)

Current job: "Blue Peter" presenter.

Campaign soundbite: "And here's a public service reform package I made earlier using sticky-backed plastic."

Unique selling point: The only candidate who's really convincing with children and animals.

Potential downside: Might have trouble with those "Elephant-in-the-room" issues - remember what happened to John Noakes, Peter Purves and Valerie Singleton?

Summary: Don't underestimate this formidable street-fighter.  The true geo-political strategic significance of "Blue Peter" was not widely recognised before the leak of the Downing St Memo, but now it's in the open anything could happen.  Konnie could form an early dream ticket with Chris Evans and sweep-up the crucial "Songs Of Praise" bloc vote.  Rumours to the effect that Konnie has hired Danny Kruger as her Speechwriter are so far unconfirmed.

 

IVAN DONNELLOVITCH DZHUGASHVILI (1919/1)

Current job: MP for Hayes & Harlington and Commissar of the People's 4th Armoured Tractor Brigade.

Campaign soundbite: "We must show the peasants that the organisation of industry on the basis of modern advanced technology, on electrification which will provide a link between town and country, will ...." etc etc

Unique selling point: The only socialist standing in this election.

Potential downside: No, no, straight-up: he really is a socialist.  They do still exist.

Summary: Don't underestimate this formidable street-fighter.  Any socialist able to survive under Blair is likely to be tenacious and cunning, and he will be the only candidate who treats his electorate as grown-up adults.  So he's toast, then.  Rumours to the effect that he has hired Arthur Scargill as his Campaign Director could actually turn out to be true (he's unlikely to be able to afford to hire Peter Franklin).

 

PATSY TOKEN (9/5 with enhanced time off for maternity leave)

Current job: Minister for Token Women.

Campaign soundbite: "As a woman, I'm ideally placed to be Deputy Leader."

Unique selling point: Modern, dynamic, assertive, Blairite female.

Potential downside: Modern, dynamic, assertive, Blairite female.

Summary: You may safely write-off this formidable street-fighter. 

 

DAVID NERD (3.14159/1)

Current job: Minister for Pointless Internet Gimmicks.

Campaign soundbite: "I'll make the best Leader of the Opposition once Cameron gets in."

Unique selling point: Since he's only just left school, there's a pretty good statistical case to assume he must end up as Leader at some point, unless one of his colleagues pushes him under a bus.

Potential downside: Tendency to annoy dangerous Irishmen could be considered a negative.

Summary: Don't underestimate this formidable street-fighter's ability to make himself look a total prat during the campaign: it's likely to be the only entertainment of the whole tedious farrago.  Rumours to the effect that he has hired Guido Fawkes as his Website Designer are unconfirmed but almost certainly true.

 

TONY BLAIR (evens)

Current job: Prime Minister.

Campaign soundbite: "Nine months of these deadbeats stabbing each other in the back will remind you why you elected me Leader in the first place."

Unique selling point: As Leader he is able to manipulate the timetable in favour of his preferred candidate (himself).

Potential downside: Labour Party members might not consider him an improvement on the current incumbent.

Summary: Don't underestimate this formidable street-fighter.  I mean, do any of you really believe he intends to resign?

Comments

[Iain Dale]

Class. Rumours that David Davis hired William Norton are too outrageous to be believed!

[chrisblore]

Pure brilliance although I hear that Dipsy Teletubby is considering standing...

[John Moss]

Ah, political satire. How I've missed it.

Where is Spitting Image when you need them most? Just think if the fun they would have with this, Livingstone and his jibes, Osama and his friends, even we might feature a few times.

Can anybody persuade them to do a special? I'm sure William could write some of the sketches.

[Thomas Hobbes]

No John, this is not satire - it's cheap!

[Opinicus]

Ah Thomas
People never value what they get for free!

[Yet Another Anon]

being Labour they're nine months behind the game and it will take them twice as long as everyone else
Unless when it comes down to it no one else besides Gordon Brown can get enough signatures from MP's - they need 12.5% of the parliamentary party, 44 MP's - it would be easy to see a situation in which there were 3 other candidates who in total had quite a number but fell short of the required number and either after taking soundings withdrew or put their names forward and simply didn't have the numbers when it came down to it - Alan Milburn is reluctant even as a government minister and it seems improbable he would stand, David Miliband, Jack Straw and Hilary Benn are backing Gordon Brown - Patricia Hewitt is non-committal, I suppose she would be a possible candidate, other than that Clare Short, Frank Field and Stephen Byers would all be possibilities and John McDonnell is going to have a go but really has about as much chance as Mao Tzse Tung.

[George Hinton]

Jolly good and all that.
Very droll.

Note to Editor:- More funnies please, we must have a stautory laugh break.

[Andrea]

who actually PATSY TOKEN is? Hazel Blears? Tessa Jowell? Both of them rolled together?

[Alison Anne Smith]

The "A" List selection criteria is comedy enough for me.

[David Banks]

Mmmm, my vote goes to Konnie Huq.
Her campaign slogan could be " Phwoar, not back" in imitation of 'forwards not back' -Nulab election lies ,

[Wat Tyler]

William- you left out the bloke with The Bounce. He'll be very upset.

[Yet Another Anon]

How about Al Gore for Prime Minister, he's free? Labour could him into a safe seat in a by election.

[Yet Another Anon]

Is Tony Blair to get a State Funeral?

[Daniel Vince-Archer]

No movie reviews after this dramatic week, William?

Here's one you might enjoy...

The Postman

It's the year 2007, and the Labour Party has all but destroyed itself. After a devastating civil war that decimated the government and threatened the very existence of the New Labour Project, ministers face a struggle to survive against the twin threats of imminent unemployment and rogue groups of ultra-authoritarian bandits, the biggest of which are the Brownites, whose leader has delusions of running the country. A lonely drifter is captured by the Brownites, but manages to escape after denouncing their leader as 'absolutely stupid', and stumbles upon an abandoned post van with a discarded postman's uniform and stacks of undelivered promises, sorry, mail. The drifter pinches the postman's clothes and starts to con weary, long-suffering people with old promises, sorry, mail. Nobody believes him at first, but soon he has a small army of followers, and they start to prepare a revolt against the Brownites. Will they succeed? Can Charles Clarke really keep the people convinced that he is Alan Johnson? Will people really watch a film with such a far-fetched storyline?

Starring: Kevin Costner as Charles Clarke, Will Patton as Gordon Brown and far too many talentless nobodies as the supporting cast...