IL POSTINO
Heart-warming lyrical fantasy. A minor, humble postman has a round which includes the country mansion of a Great Statesman. Gradually their friendship blossoms and Alan, the postman, teaches the Great Statesman to read, write and speak proper. But eventually Alan forms the view that he could do the Great Statesman's job far better than he does himself, and he rather fancies ditching the Royal Mail pushbike for a Jaguar or two. A dilemma arises - how does he break the news? So Alan does it in the most tender, thoughtful way he knows, when no one is watching: national TV on a Sunday morning.
Starring: someone who's dead now
CH verdict: A rose-tinted drama that will play to your emotions rather than your intellect. Definitely a film requiring two boxes of Kleenex - the extra-absorbent type, good for mopping up blood
THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE
Umpteenth remake of the classic disaster movie. We've been here before; you know the form. A great liner has suddenly capsized and the survivors are trying to find their way out, have to undergo many dangers, not all of them are going to make it, but somehow they emerge better people and are able to confront their personal demons and overcome their petty antagonisms and class differences. Right? Wrong. In a novel twist, in this version the survivors sit around arguing with each other and then drown. The vicar's convinced only he knows the way out; the Bursar wants to take over the wheel; the ship's steward is refusing to budge from any of his three large cabins; and Matron is claiming that the liner hasn't capsized at all and is "having its best cruise ever".
Starring: Gene Hackman as the doomed vicar; and 22 washed-up has-beens all going down with the ship.
CH verdict: this succession of disaster movies is becoming a trifle boring, but if you want to watch two dozen people all at sea then this is the film for you - you might as well: you're paying for it anyway
ON HER MAJESTY'S NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE
Bond's back again - in another titanic struggle against Spectre. This time Blofeld has come up with an insidious plot to spread deadly disease throughout Britain: by running massive financial deficits in the hospitals and firing all the doctors and nurses. What a despicably evil plan - sometimes you wonder how that Blofeld sleeps at night, don't you? The NHS is left defenceless because it has to shell out zillions of pounds on liposuction, a new IT infrastructure and Aston Martins with ejector seats for the chairmen of the various health authorities. Only Bond can save us once more. All the usual excitement culminating in a gripping helicopter attack on Bart's Hospital.
Starring: George Lazenby, holding down the role of James Bond for as long, and with as much success, as the average Labour Health Secretary; cameo appearance by Patricia Hewitt as Rosa Klebb
CH verdict: another change of face for Bond: how long before John Reid gets the job? he's had all the others
THE CHARGE OF THE RIGHT BRIGADE
Sound the reveille! Some unspeakable blighter's been mucking about with the Tory Party bringing in damned unacceptable innovations like popularity 'n' electability - can't have that; there'll be a deuced bad miff in the mess. Situation calls for two things: (1) another gin 'n' tonic; (2) Her Majesty's Own Right Wing Journalists will have to stamp it out. I sprang to the stirrup, and Joris, and he; I galloped, Dirck galloped, we galloped all three; "Good speed!" cried the watch, as the -- oh, dash it, wrong poem. Anyway, definitely something about horses, going half a league down a Valley of What-d'yer-ma-call-it, and then, at the end, it'll come to me in a minute, yes, that was it - the Russian cannon. Oh.
Starring: Erroll Flynn as dashing, romantic, devil-may-care Simon Heffer; David Niven as the urbane, understated, level-headed Peter Hitchens; 600 dead horses as the Tory Party.
CH verdict: one feels that military strategy has evolv
ed somewhat since the Battle of Balaclava
THE MANCUNIAN CANDIDATE
Political thriller based on a novel. A young man emerges from nowhere and is promoted onto the Gold medal List of the nation's best and brightest heroes. Whenever anyone is asked about him, his friends answer robotically that he is the finest, warmest human being they have ever met and they are proud to know him. Soon he is being put forward as a candidate for political office. But why do people have difficulty remembering what, exactly, he did? Why are they beginning to suspect a staggering conspiracy based on mind control and brain-washing?
Starring: Frank Sinatra, doing it his way; Angela Lansbury giving a rather extreme interpretation of Women2Win; Laurence Harvey as the innocent victim of powerful forces, wondering why on earth he bothers
CH verdict: There's nothing to worry about. If you're nervous, why don't you pass the time by playing a little solitaire?
Wonderful! Are you considering having a laugh at Nulabs Manderines now? I guess its hard to figure whether to go with the title, Loves LABOUR lost, or the plot, prescott as Bottom in Midsummer nights dream. Worth doing? They did get through 140 thousand quid with their Shakespearean "training" after all!
Posted by: Annabel Herriott | June 12, 2006 at 09:45
It would be better to spend more time on Area matters, Mr Norton.
Posted by: London Eye | June 12, 2006 at 11:02
Who wins? you decide.
really going after the BB vote!
Will we go for a weekly eviction of the least popular candidate? Can we make cash from the calls?
Suggest a thread to decide on the best 6 housemates (London resident or landowners only)....Boris? Margot James ?....
Posted by: Ted | June 12, 2006 at 11:43
Sorry - just realised on wrong thread (though William a spoof BB next week?_
Posted by: Ted | June 12, 2006 at 12:49