William Norton - regular ConservativeHome contributor - has sent me the following...
A bumper crop of new films for you down at the cinema this weekend. The vibrant state of this creative industry is a glowing testament to the brilliant work of our Culture Secretary, Tessa Jowell.
MY FARE, LADY
Heartwarming musical. A man with a brilliant way with words promises to pass off anyone as a lord and lady once he's taught them how to say the right things - which turns out to be "To whom should I make out this cheque, Prime Minister?"
Starring: Rex Harrison as Tony Blair; 300 people you've never heard of as new peers.
CH verdict: the producers are singing all the way to the bank, and some of their junior staff will soon be singing to the Electoral Commission.
HOUSE A-LOAN
Slapstick comedy. The grown-ups have gone away and left a mere child in charge of the country. Some villains are trying to get into the House by forcing their way in with £10 million of soft loans. Will Young Tony's moral fibre crumble and let him take the money? Yes.
Starring: Macaulay Culkin as Tony Blair.
CH verdict: not as unbelievable as we would like.
EDUCATING RUTH
Biting social satire. A young woman packs in being a hairdresser and tries to better herself as Secretary of State for Education & Skills. Best scene: the dramatic part where the professor teaches her arithmetic - subtract 52 rebels from a majority of 66 leaves you in the pocket of the Tories.
Starring: Michael Caine as a very drunk professor; Julie Walters as the inexperienced newcomer.
CH verdict: yawn, but we'll be hearing a lot more of this one for months.
THE TREASURE OF THE SIERRA DROMEY
Tense film noir thriller. The Treasurer of the Labour Party turns up at the office one day to discover £10 million of cash no-one's told him about. Where did that come from, he wonders out loud in front of 417 journalists, and then proceeds to tell everybody what a nice man Gordon is. Whose money is it? Is anyone going to get out alive?
Starring: Humphrey Bogart as Jack Dromey; Lauren Bacall as Harriet Harman; Peter Lorre as Tony Blair; Sidney Greenstreet as John Prescott; Edward G Robinson as Gordon Brown; 782 people you've never heard of as Labour Party donors.
CH verdict: the surprise ending isn't actually a surprise.
GROUNDHOG DAY
45 million voters are still waking up thinking they're reliving the Major Government.
Starring Bill Murray as the hapless man who just can't make the weather anymore.
CH verdict: we told this one would run and run and run...
Brilliant stuff, William!
A word of advice for the Labour party.
If anyone attempts to by a peerage with £1 million in used fivers report them to the Kent Constabulary immediately.
Posted by: RobC | March 17, 2006 at 11:43
"Who's money is it?"
One flaw in an otherwise brilliant piece. It should be "whose", not "who's". ;-)
Posted by: Daniel Vince-Archer | March 17, 2006 at 11:46
BBC now reporting £14 million in loans from individuals.
Posted by: RobC | March 17, 2006 at 11:49
£14million Blair knew about and the treasurer of the Labour Party didn't.
What a sleazy, divided arrogant Government this is.
Tony Blair, for god's sake just go!
Posted by: disillusioned | March 17, 2006 at 12:25
All we need now is their equivalent of "The Long Black Wednesday" to finish them off.
Posted by: True Blue | March 17, 2006 at 12:34
DVA: It should be "whose", not "who's". ;-)
So that's why I haven't got my peerage yet...
Posted by: William Norton | March 17, 2006 at 13:52
"So that's why I haven't got my peerage yet..."
You may have sent the cheque to the wrong person. Send direct to Tony Blair (he's got a mortgage to pay remember), not Jack Dromey.
Posted by: Daniel Vince-Archer | March 17, 2006 at 16:24
Im completely shocked by this news about the cash for peerages. I truly am stunned by it.
This Government is practically begging to be forced out! In any other country (maybe not the US!), the Government would be thrown out and all those connected would be done for corruption and abuse of position charges.
Cant this be used in a Tessa Jowell style thing? Blair needs the money to fight elections, which keep him as Prime Minister. Therefore he offers people peerages in exchange for large sums of money for the election fund. I dont see much of a diference apart from the scale...he clearly has a conflict of interest here as Party Leader and Prime Minister and as he has admitted he knew about this, he's in Jowells position here. I say report him to Gus O'Donnell under the Ministerial Code.
Posted by: James Maskell | March 17, 2006 at 23:15
James M: I say report him to Gus O'Donnell under the Ministerial Code.
Interesting fact about the Ministerial Code. During the North East referendum I thought I'd got Prescott on a breach of the legal duties of a minister, but which can be enforced only through the Code. I took it up and eventually ended up speaking to the Director of the Propriety & Ethics Team within the Cabinet Office, who claim to police the Code. We had a fascinating discussion, at which point I thought it might be useful to sum up where we'd reached.
So, let me check that I’ve got this correct, I said. In the 21st Century there is a law in Britain which says that John Prescott cannot do certain things. But if he does do those things, the person who decides whether he’s broken the law is John Prescott. The punishment for breaking the law is to tell Parliament that he’s broken it. And the person who decides he has to tell Parliament is John Prescott. And even then, Parliament will probably do nothing?
Well, said the Director, yes.
You know, I continued, I’ve the strangest feeling that John Prescott is going to decide that John Prescott hasn’t broken the law at all, and there’s no need for John Prescott to apologise to Parliament.
And that was where it stayed.
Posted by: William Norton | March 18, 2006 at 01:09