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William Shakespeare reports Boris's speech to yesterday's ConHome rally

By Paul Goodman
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Screen shot 2012-10-08 at 23.59.11"Casca; tell us what hath chanced to-day."  (Julius Caesar, Act 1, Scene 2)

"The Mayor of London blew into its conference in Birmingham, a hurricane of blond hair, media attention and other people’s speculation about his prospects of one day taking David Cameron’s job." (James Kirkup, Daily Telegraph)

 "Why, there was a crown offered him: and being offered him, he put it by with the back of his hand, thus; and then the people fell a-shouting...he put it by once: but, for all that, to my thinking, he would fain have had it."

 "His reception – in a city not noted for its Tory support – was more suited to a rock star than a politician, with crowds of passengers chanting his name at New Street station."

"Then he offered it to him again; then he put it by again: but, to my thinking, he was very loath to lay his fingers off it."

 "At the conference centre, he was surrounded by a scrum of cameramen and photographers so intense that one was thrown to the floor and required medical attention."

"And then he offered it the third time; he put it the third time by: and still as he refused it, the rabblement hooted and clapped their chapped hands and threw up their sweaty night-caps and uttered such a deal of stinking breath because Caesar refused the crown that it had almost choked Caesar; for he swounded and fell down at it: and for mine own part, I durst not laugh, for fear of opening my lips and receiving the bad air."

 "Mr Johnson insisted he had nothing but loyalty for Mr Cameron, paying extravagant tribute to the Prime Minister and his ministers."

"He fell down in the market-place, and foamed at mouth, and was speechless."

"But even as he played the loyal retainer, the mayor could not resist performing to the Conservative gallery with a declaration of support for selective education."

 "Marry, before he fell down, when he perceived the common herd was glad he refused the crown, he plucked me ope his doublet and offered them his throat to cut."

 "That was a far-from-subtle reminder of Mr Cameron’s still contentious decision to end the Conservatives’ traditional backing for grammar schools."

"And so he fell. When he came to himself again, he said, If he had done or said any thing amiss, he desired their worships to think it was his infirmity."

 "Mr Johnson was addressing a rally of almost 1,000 Tory members who cheered his arrival and applauded a performance that also took in aviation policy, an economic recovery and the “terror” of French tax rates."

"Three or four wenches, where I stood, cried 'Alas, good soul!' and forgave him with all their hearts: but there's no heed to be taken of them; if Caesar had stabbed their mothers, they would have done no less."

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