Iain Martin: If the Cameroons are going to be three years late to every party, why should the rest of us stand around talking politely and waiting for them to turn up?

By Iain Martin.
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One of the great underutilised voices of Fleet Street is Bruce Anderson. His grasp of history, peerless prose style, rapier wit and attempts to grapple with the perpetual struggle between principle and pragmatism in the conservative mind, make him a joy to read.

Happily (mostly happily) for me, Bruce is a good friend. I not only get to read him, but I can enjoy his company at lunch and dinner (although I do not recommend trying both in one day).

It is a pleasure to hear him talk about art, Venice, the latest exhibition he has seen, American politics, Scotland or wine. Not only does he “know his claret from his beaujolais”, as the Blur song has it, he knows his first-growth claret from his second-growth claret.

But, like any of us, he has his weaknesses. Bruce’s worst vice is a desperate desire to be cravenly loyal to whichever individual happens to be leader of the Conservative party at any given moment. He only made an exception in the case of Iain Duncan-Smith.

I understand his attachment to the current Tory leader. He started life as a Marxist (Bruce not David Cameron) and he prizes devotion. I can remember, from a lunch party in Edinburgh in August 2005 when David Cameron looked like an also-ran in the leadership race, the mocking laughter that rose to greet his assertion that his man would make it to Downing Street. Bruce has a good claim to have helped invent Cameron, being the first to identify him in print as a future Tory leader long before there was a vacancy. He did similar with William Hague and John Major.

Iain Martin's Conference Diary: Wednesday

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Cat flap

The most boring Tory party conference since 1834 suddenly sprung into life yesterday with a sensationally entertaining row, about a cat. Attempting to illustrate problems with the human rights culture in our judicial system, the Home Secretary referenced a case in which a foreign national had allegedly been given leave to remain because he owned a cat. This was supposedly enough to give him - the foreign gentleman, not the cat - the right to stay in Britain.

All this had been reported at the time with great excitement by various newspapers. One even claimed to have a picture of the cat, helpfully blacking out the cat’s face to protect its identity.

But as soon as May came off stage and went to tour the TV studios it was apparent that there was a problem. The Judicial Office, which speaks for the judges, issued a terse statement: “The decision in this case had nothing to do with the cat”.

Miaow!

Iain Martin's Conference Diary: Tuesday

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Free the Treasury Select Committee one

Extraordinary scenes in Manchester yesterday when the low tax pro-growth rebel Andrew Tyrie MP (AKA the chairman of the Treasury Select Committee) was kidnapped by the Prime Minister’s aides and interrogated over his criticism of the government. In recent days he has been saying all sorts of outrageous things: tax cuts would encourage growth, increasing energy costs via green taxes is lunacy in a downturn and the Big Society doesn’t really seem to have caught on as a concept.  

Yesterday afternoon Tyrie had been preparing to give an interview to broadcasters about Chancellor George Osborne’s speech when Steve Hilton and Number 10 communications chief Craig David Oliver appeared. They were then filmed escorting the unfortunate Tyrie into a side room, where he was “given some pointers”. 

Suitably reprogrammed, Tyrie emerged to give his interview. Looking like a victim in a hostage video he said that on reflection Osborne’s speech had been top notch and that the government is, all things considered, doing a wonderful job.

Thank goodness New Labour’s wicked era of spin, coercion and media manipulation is a thing of the past.

Iain Martin's Conference Diary: Sunday

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Yes, Minister

What an extraordinary coincidence that the row over the European Commission’s plans to allow benefits tourists to invade Britain should have blown up right on the eve of conference. Cynical observers wondered whether it was all down to news management by Number 10 and Chris Grayling. After all, there seem to have been no significant developments in the story and the only thing that has changed since the Commission proposed it ages ago is that the Tory tribe is meeting in Manchester. Might it have been cooked up by ministers to satisfy activists (rightly) hungry for a tougher line on Europe? Perish the thought. 

Shaun Ley, presenter on the BBC Radio 4’s World at One, smelt a rat, asking welfare minister Chris Grayling: “Aren’t there shades of Jim Hacker and the EuroSausage?” Grayling denied it: “No, no shades of the EuroSausage.”