Gnawed nails for Big Name Sponsor as AFC Bluebirds cling on for close win. Coming soon: grudge match with Demon Eyes

Hudson Roe is the captain of AFC Bluebirds, a five-a-side team made up of players from across Westminster. The team are proudly sponsored by Conservative Home. Follow them on Twitter.

AFC Bluebirds approached their weekly Monday night matches with a sense of nervous anticipation as they looked to impress their big-name sponsor, watching the team for the first time, in the hope of attracting a new multi-pound sponsorship deal for next season.

From the start, it was clear it was going to be a close match but some tight defending and quite brilliant goalkeeping from Joe Cawley kept the score vaguely respectable, however, some stinging long-range efforts from the opposition did see Bluebirds trailing 4-2 at half time.

Much like the parliamentary party, the second half of the game was undermined by classic Tory infighting and chuntering about 'leadership' from the back.  The final score for the first match was not flattering, losing 8-3, despite some good individual performances.

Knowing that the sponsor was checking his watch and his e-mails with alarming regularity owing to the team’s performance in the first game, the Bluebirds redoubled their efforts in an attempt to live up to his expectations for the second game of the night.

Live up to those expectations Bluebirds did.  Ed de Minckwitz (pictured) led the line scoring five goals in an incredible performance that recalled the performances of the great Jean Pierre-Papin.  Joe Cawley, in goal again, played brilliantly.

At half time the match stood at 6-1 with the Bluebirds coasting to a victory.  Sadly, the team took their foot off the gas, almost snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, conceding several goals without reply.

The final few minutes of the game, with the match delicately poised with one goal between the two teams, left those on the touchline nervous to the point of not being able to watch.  Finally, the referee blew his whistle to call proceedings to a close, the team having held onto their slender lead winning 8-7.

The sponsor left the football centre enthralled and discussing the upcoming grudge match against Demon Eyes, a Labour team, on 13 July.

Editor's Note: Mystery surrounds the identity of the greying and overweight middle-aged man who inserted himself into the picture above by claiming to represent the sponsor. Readers are warned not to approach him, but to report any sightings to the nearest police station.