Graeme Archer: The Time of the Angels

Friday 2 November

I write a lot about London Fields, I know. It’s not quite square, and not quite safe; the archetypal London park. One step further today: I’m writing this while sat on a London Fields bench, watching the mums pushing their toddlers and the dogs chasing their sticks. Step into my office, baby. I’m not sure why, but a wistful, melancholic happiness settles on me here, as well as a sense of calm. Normally. Today I’m feeling more of a bladder-pain type sensation, since I’m just back off the overnight flight from Philadelphia, to find the flat filled with surly Polish builders, who have destroyed our old bathroom, but not yet fitted the new one. For the first time I notice that to which I was previously blind: there are no public conveniences in Hackney parks. 

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The Democratic candidates for President held a debate in Philadelphia while I was there, so I grabbed a ticket and went along, to bring you all the news from the campaign frontline. Just joking! Instead I went to dinner (El Vez, brilliant Mexican) with some American friends, all of whom are Democratic. I did ask them who they thought would win the primary: all thought Hillary. None wanted to vote for her, and not all of them were convinced she would become President. Strangely, they didn’t think any Republican could win either. What I notice about the Americans I know –  and none of us are gonna like this –  is that decent people vote Democrat, and revile the Republican party. It’s got nothing to do with politics, and everything to do with manner and culture. Conservatives everywhere need to remember this. If you cut off your educated middle-class nose, pretty soon you end up spiting your face.

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Richard Dawkins says grace at college dinner shock! This news drove my Facebook friend, the Deputy Editor of this site, to send me a cheeky message. I don’t suppose Professor Dawkins was being anything other than polite. If I’m in church I bow my head and so on when people start praying. What am I supposed to do? Stand on the pew and shout “It’s not real”? That reminds me of the first time that my Scottish Presbyterian family attended an Anglican service in England for a wedding of some friends. I was about ten I think. Scottish Presbyterians do not kneel for prayer, and we mistook the kneeling-cushion things we found under the pew for cushions to be sat upon. How kind Anglicans are, we thought, to provide cushions for extra comfort. Insert your own homily here.

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Everyone has their favourite train company horror story. I wrote this section before I saw it (honestly) but Matthew Parris in the Times has started a much-needed campaign on this subject. The WAGN-One service from Liverpool Street, which serves Harlow, Cambridge and Stansted Airport, isn’t too bad regarding reliability. But it practices a subtle form of torture on its passengers, which this daily commuter finds unbearable. Because the assumption of producers these days is that they must cater for their most intellectually impaired customer, lest they find themselves in front of multiple tribunals for a failure of duty of care, WAGN-One repeatedly play pre-recorded messages, very loudly, before and after every stop, telling us: the name of the last station, the name of the next station, the name of every station between now and the end of the route; the fact that safety notices are displayed in every carriage (it is a feature of public announcements that the stress in the sentences is always in the wrong place) and that we should familiarise ourselves with them each time we travel; and that – of course! – smoking is not permitted anywhere on WAGN-One services. I’m particularly glad of that last reminder, since smoking has only been banned on the service since 1987, and I do worry, in the absence of these constant reminders, that the entire carriage might light up one morning, perhaps starting a fire, and that someone who had stayed on the train too long, having forgotten at which station they intended to alight, might suffer injury through not having familiarised themselves with the safety notice each time they travel.  Look, I know in the scheme of things this is not a Big Thing, but every exposure to this symptom of an impoverished culture, where adults are suspected of being a mixture of the criminal and the fool, renders us just that little bit less sensitised to humanity. Perhaps I would care less if the WAGN-One Machine Voice was infallible; but the other day at Harlow, boarding the Stansted to Liverpool Street (Stansted Airport – Harlow Town – Tottenham Hale – Liverpool Street) service, I had to almost fight two young Ulstermen back onto the train. They were under the impression that they’d reached their destination of Tottenham Hale, having been shouted at relentlessly by the Machine Voice since boarding at the airport that the next stop is Tottenham Hale. The evidence of a human (me) and the signs on the platform (“Harlow Town”) nearly weren’t enough to overcome the 30 minutes of brow-beating they’d received. Fortunately they were from Ulster so both reason and the chance of some more lager from the trolley service prevailed.

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Books you know you’ll never have to read, based on reviews of which you have to read only the first sentence: Draw up a list of the best 20th century Prime Ministers we never had and Roy Hattersley is bound to be somewhere near the top – from Peter Preston’s review of Roy Hattersley’s latest book. Anything written by Roy Hattersley, and I am (not for the first time) of one mind with Dorothy Parker: this is not a [book] to be tossed casually aside. It should be hurled with great force. I’ll give you my extension of a Dorothy Parker poem next week, if you like.

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My Richard Dawkins moment. I have a friend, whom I now realise, after a long acquaintance, is an angel. I know this because of the way he cares for a seriously ill friend. What happens to the angels when we no longer have God? They become human beings and care selflessly for others.

Comments

[Cameron Watt]

Couldn't agree more on the frustrations of us all being treated like morons on public transport and in public spaces.

Many thanks for sharing your annoyance, Graham - a very entertaining piece which made me laugh a lot.

[Tony Makara]

"I’m writing this while sat on a London Fields bench, watching the mums pushing their toddlers"

Graeme, this way well become a thing of the past as politicians make a case for getting mothers into work. Would it not be much better to let mothers enjoy bringing up their children and allow children to enjoy the psychological security of being brought up by their mothers, rather than becoming latch-door kids and falling into alienation and developing and anti-social attitude? Well, thats my view anyway. I agree with David Cameron on most things but I wish David and other politicians would think twice about the knock-on consequences of home-alone kids.

On the subject of angels, there is one that I know of in human form and that is my favourite actress 1950s movie legend Jane Powell (Of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers fame!) That woman has so many good qualities she glows! Read her autobiography and it was the most moving book I've ever read. Jane Powell endured sexual abuse as a child, was made to live in a bubble by the Hollywood machine and had no life outside of movies. She was then sacked for being too wholesome, she had troubles in her marriages, not one was her fault, had a son who became an alcoholic, and in the end she attempted suicide. Thankfully she is still alive today and has found peace of mind in her 70s, but through all her troubles she never stopped being an absolutely first-rate human being who always put others before herself. Definitely an angel in every sense of the word.

Autobiographies are my favourite books, I like the one-to-one style. Most of the autobiographies that I've read are from the world of showbiz and it amazes me how unhappy most entertainers are. Some autobiographies are very candid, for example Esther Williams wrote how she came home one day and found her husband, tough-guy actor Jeff Chandler wearing a dress! Ouch! That must have hurt. Showbusiness is certainly a crazy carnival at time, but with so many extroverts bound together in the same profession should we expect anything less?

[Ben]

Scottish Presbyterians do not kneel for prayer, and we mistook the kneeling-cushion things we found under the pew for cushions to be sat upon.

A family friend got married - many years ago - in the Church of Scotland kirk at Dunino, just outside St Andrews. Whilst waiting for his bride to appear, he knelt down and began to pray.

The Minister saw him, walked up and boomed:

"Get up off your knees. We dinnae grovel to the Lord in this parish."

Fine article, once again, Graeme.

[armcurl]

Just nip into the Cat & Mutton. I would.

[Matthew Warren]

Always good for a rant, Graeme.

You make me smile.
Sending our love from the Isle of Man
Matt Sam and Chess.

[Graeme Archer]

@armcurl - lol - I did end up passing most of the afternoon and early evening in the Cat&M, but at the time I was writing there were still many cross-legged hours to pass!

[Derek L. Piper]

Sir, enjoyed the article as always.

Though I do have to disagree with you about decent Americans voting Democrat. To be sure, the perception of the federal front man over the last seven years has damaged the GOP in the eyes of 'educated' voters, but also, keep in mind that Philly (I was born 45 minutes north of it) is an overwhelmingly Dem town. I can assure you that during Giuliani's two terms as mayor in New York decent people of all stripes voted for the Republican.

And there are (hopefully) just enough decent people out there who will see through Mrs. Clinton. I myself am considering printing and distributing tee shirts emblazoned with: "If Hillary Clinton is elected President I am moving to France."

Or maybe, if she wins, "Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying."

[Iain Murray]

"What I notice about the Americans I know – and none of us are gonna like this – is that decent people vote Democrat, and revile the Republican party. It’s got nothing to do with politics, and everything to do with manner and culture."

Delete Democrat and Republican and replace with Labour and Conservative respectively, and you have a statement that has been commonplace around the dining rooms of Islington for the past 20 years or so. That alone should tell you how asinine the proposition is.

[Paul Taylor]

Sorry to be peeing all over your epiphany, but there are public toilets in London fields (towards the end of the cycle path at the Hackney end).