Graeme Archer: Deirdre or Dave?

Verona, Thursday evening

Here we are again, back in Piazza Bra’, gazing at the Arena. The opera season’s over now but there’s some sort of furniture show on at the Fiera di Verona which is driving the population wild. Apparently furniture’s “in” this season, the way that Crocs were last. Actually I don’t see many Crocs on the marbled Verona streets, which is a shame, because these slippy surfaces are probably one of the few places they would serve practical advantage. I spend the evenings wandering from square to square, clutching a novel under my arm, thinking: this is probably not the best preparation for writing a column about politics. Away with that pitying look, madam! I’m a happy-go-lucky statistician, and all of Europe is my oyster. Well, a small part of north-eastern Italy. And it’s not really mine. And I don’t like oysters. (Isn’t that the dirty line from Spartacus?)

Alright: oh God. I’m so, so sick of squeezing myself through airports and flying about, just to go to work. Airports heave with salarymen like me, being pushed like model soldiers across some war-gaming-board, mostly for reasons that could not be justified under any reasonable criteria (I mean: I work with some of the smartest minds on the planet. You’d think we’d have learned how to use a phone by now). Most of us are separated from our loved ones. I’m never apart from Mr Keith without wondering how many days we have left before The Event overtakes one of us. I doubt I’m unique in this? It’s such a short life, isn’t it? Am I getting the Quality Of Life balance right?

Whenever newspapers discuss quality of life, it’s always in terms of “Tories want to stop poor people going on holiday”. I think it’s more true to say “Tories would prefer that people who live in Scotland don’t have to fly to London in order to fly somewhere else on holiday”, but never mind. If by some miracle I ever found myself in front of a candidate selection panel, I can save them one question: No more airports or expansion thereof, in the south east, none, ever. I don’t know anyone who ever flies anywhere voluntarily, other than for their summer holiday.

And I think government could play it’s part. The company I work for has a beautiful suite of videoconferencing facilities that save us a lot of travel – we just don’t have enough of them. We should offer taxbreaks to large companies, to get them to switch from flying to videoconference. Maybe boroughs should build them, and hire them out to small businesses.

More taxbreaks could be offered to people to have them work at home. Am I wrong in this simple reasoning? If everyone who went to work in an office spent one day a week working at home, we’d reduce rush-hour traffic by a fair bit, no? I know, some people can’t work at home – but an awful lot more people could, than do currently. It strikes me as ridiculous that in 2007, so many people still undergo hell in order to get to an aesthetically repulsive office environment, to do work that could as easily be conducted from home. Everyone should experience the strange joy that comes of dialling into An Important Meeting while lolling around the bed in a scuzzy pair of trackies. Not that I ever do this.

*
How to spot the passing of the seasons, for urban gentlefolk: at the London Fields Lido earlier this week, I feel the chill as I walk from the changing room to the pool-side, and once into the water my temperature rises. Just a week ago it was the other way around (warm out of the water, cool in it). Also, there are more leaves landing on my back. “What is leaf?” you ask, in the manner of an alien in a cheap 1960s scifi series. It’s a thing we used to have lots of, before Prescott thought it would be a good idea to concrete over the south-east, and turn it into one big runway.

*
The Other Sam Coates (at The Times) is writing great blogs from the Liberal Democrat conference at Brighton. Brighton! The only time I’ve been jealous of a Liberal Democrat. I have never been to Brighton and failed to be happy. [I’m deleting his rambling about motorbikes, sunshine, broken hearts, ozone, extras in Woody Allen movies, happiness, Mr Keith at New Year etc. Get on with the politics – Ed]

So the LDs are letting their hair down this year in Brighton: go on Deirdre – have a caffeinated coffee. Our conference venue is Blackpool, a town where the decision I made at fifteen (“Mum, Dad: I’m vegetarian” - “Oh thank God. We thought you were gay”) comes back to haunt me. Five days at conference in Blackpool and I’m a scurvy-ridden, marmite-sucking wreck. (“What shall we do for dinner? Chip sandwich? Or just chips?”).

Anyway. Sam Coates has been writing about the LDs’ decision to go for a “core vote” strategy, in an effort to claw their way back from the abyss of opinion poll contempt. But will it work? Umm … no.

At least when we (Tories) followed (mistakenly) a core vote strategy, we had a core vote to aim at. Who are the LD core voters? Deirdre, and her friends in the Surry dog-handling society? Dave Spart, of the Tower Hamlets Respect Innit Anti-war Coalition? What do Dave and Deirdre have in common? Nothing. Deirdre used to think Conservatives were horrid, and wouldn’t think beyond that point (why should she?). She’s not thinking like that anymore. The more the LDs bark at Dave, the more they lose Deirdre; and vice-versa.

The real problem for LDs is their lack of core issues. They lack that rude word - ideology. They're only "liberal" by name as an historical accident; there's nothing liberal - in any of its many senses – about proportional representation (yawn), giving the vote to prisoners, allowing illegal asylum seekers to stay, raising income taxes to levels unseen since the 1970s etc etc. It’s not a coherent platform, more what would happen if some university held its Freshers’ Fare in a wind tunnel. Even when they think they’re being fair (which is their bizarre synonym for “liberal”), they’re really being populist and/or obtuse. Consider local income taxes. Nice headline. But you would be hard-pressed to design a policy more likely to drive the remaining middle-class out of inner cities, leading to a downward cycle of deprivation and subsidy. What’s liberal about that?

Where they actually are liberal, they’re irrelevant (e.g. ID cards) because, if you really care about saying No-2-ID you’ll vote Tory, not Liberal Democrat. Ask Deirdre.

Changing poor Sir Ming for Chris Whohe or whoever isn’t going to hide that essential nullity at the heart of the LDs. I’m a huge fan of No-2-ID, but I’m (not) afraid (at all) that No-2-LD is going to be the most successful campaign at the next election.

*
The Commission for Racial Equality has launched some report about the growing segregation in British society. They’re so right! We are splitting farther and farther apart. One group of people drag themselves out of bed at the crack of dawn, add value to some commodity or hire out their labour, in order to get enough money to pay their living costs, taxes and pensions. Then there’s this other group, small in number, but large in self-importance – the Great and the Good — who consume vast amounts of money from the first group, in order to produce grand-sounding reports, which achieve: Absolutely. Nothing. At. All.

Comments

[simon]

As usual GA your column is a good laugh- but has a serious point to it. The Libbies are incoherent because they are probably high on cannabis! About their next leader- forget Clegg or Huhne- George Michael would be perfect for them! I never listen to the CRE- almost everything they say is complete bs- and race/immigration will never be talked about openly and honestly because we all know what the public will vote for given the opportunity in a referendum. We have never had real substantive 'white flight' figures from areas with a high proportion of 'ethnic minority' background. I wonder why.....

[Simon Walters]

One sentiment that the wholly unappreciated Mr Major tried to express about Conservative Party values is exactly what Graeme Archer's weekly column espouses, namely rambling about motorbikes, sunshine, broken hearts, ozone, extras in Woody Allen movies, happiness, Mr Keith at New Year etc. and you have deleted it. I would propose that one of the Conservatives' difficulties is getting their message across to the public; that it isn't working. And this is a constant theme of Graeme's wonderful articles. The party leadership must cast a wider net and use all its talent.

[Sally Roberts]

Spot on as usual Graeme and an entertaining read as well!! Interestingly there was an item about air travel and the environment on "The Record Europe" where the point was made was that rather than discouraging air travel we should be working with the airlines to encourage them (as some are doing already) to become greener by using the most modern aircraft and implementing more environmentally-friendly practices.
So far as the Lib Dems are concerned - I hope they continue with Ming as long as possible as he is certainly their biggest asset (for us!!)
Finally on the subject of Crocs - I adore my several pairs in assorted colours so please can I come too next time? ;-)

[Editor]

In case there is any doubt, Simon, I did not delete Graeme's words - that was his joke!

[Malcolm Dunn]

I certainly hope Blackpool is not as grim a place as you've painted it Graeme or it will be 5 very long days indeed.I suspect you're right though, finding a half decent hotel wasn't easy ( I was booking on behalf of two other males and had to insist we weren't part of a stag party!).
I don't quite understand why all parties seem to want to go there so regularly.

[Oberon Houston]

The Liberal core vote - yes it's a strange one to get your head around that one. A wee bee in my bonnet these days is defining our core vote, what it currently is and more importantly, what is should be. I'm of the opinion that our core vote is largely those on the right of politics and who are dry. (i.e. Radical free-marketeer, Thatcherite europhobes).

I believe that one of the downsides to the Thatcher revolution, which was a game changer, but in terms of the Conservative Party, it cleared out the old core vote - unfortunately for us, most of the English voters, and many Scots fit into this category. 22 Scottish Conservative MP's under Heath (!!), now pretty much nothing. Our real core vote is either not voting, voting NuLab or Lib Dem. These people are instictive conservatives (small 'c') and are sceptical of change. We currently frighten them. They are:

1. Not particularly keen on European intergration, but worry about withdrawl and see us as very unstable in this area.

2. Are reasonably content to pay lots for an inefficient health service that is a bit ramshackle, because the alternative is provision by a private sector company with other drivers (profit). Who knows where that will go, don't like it (they are conservatives!).

3. Accept that today in modern Britain there are lots of ways to live your life, gay, partner, wife, husband, single etc. etc. and get worried when the Tories imply that they want to roll things back 40 years. Again, harking back to the old days is not really a conservative position.

We must face up to the fact that the electorate are simply not interested in a radical agenda. Virtually every time we open our mouths we reinforce their negative perceptions of us. We are simply not seen as a serious mainstream political party any more because we don't understand what the electorate want from a government. Cameron has lost his lead recenty because he is talking a core vote strategy, hence bingo, no lead any more. Broken Society, Lets hear it for married couples, privatise the NHS, it's all the same stuff that lost us three previous elections.

They will side with us and will vote for us, but only if we agree to moderate our plans to what they feel is acceptable change. Our 'real core vote' left us long ago and is going to vote Labour, and the core vote we DO have is not interested in listening to them. This is the problem we have.

Rant over, I'm talking to the wrong audience I think!

[Sally Yorkshire]

Couldn't agree with you more,Oberon.What's the chance of the conference just letting him get on with his job? They don't have to like it, just grin and bear it like other parties do with their leader. Gordon's big tent includes alot of people who can't stand him but they keep quiet and mumble stuff about respect in an attempt not to startle the electorate.They just have to realise Dave is alot better for us than GB.
According to Andrew Rawnsley it will only take a slight swing to us to leave GB with a hung Parliament.Watching GB struggle with that whilst his economic chickens come home to roost might be a prospect some on the right might savour.
I remember when TB was elected ,a senior union guy told a reporter that it was better than losing ,but only just. Now look ,if you are in the public sector you are sorted , not so the private.
On a seperate note ,I am I the only one whose stopped buying the Daily Gordon Telegraph?

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