By Harry Benson, author of Let's Stick Together, the relationship book for new parents, and co-author of the family sections of Breakdown and Breakthrough Britain for the Centre for Social Justice.
Fairness seems to be the buzz word for today. Government should be fair. People should be treated fairly. We should think about life in terms of fairness. On the surface fairness appears a good way of thinking. Fairness means treating everybody equally, making sure opportunities and services are available to all equally. Who could possibly argue with that?
Well, I could.
As parents of six children, my wife and I operate as a mini-government at home, providing all sorts of services to our children in exchange for… well, maybe just providing all sorts of services. Of course we also have a bit more love, intimacy, fun and conflict at home than you usually find between service providers and their recipients. But you get the picture.
Like a mini-government, we try to treat our children as equally as possible. Where one child gets our time, money, opportunities, love, then so should the others. But as any parent of more than one child knows, this is incredibly difficult. We forget. We are inconsistent. We are fallible. In practice, we frequently end up giving more of one thing to one child and more of something else to the other.
One of our key challenges as parents is to get our children to acknowledge what they have rather than what they don’t. We want them to appreciate the generosity of the giver rather than worry about what they weren’t given. So although we try (and fail) to treat our children fairly, we don’t want them thinking about fairness. As soon as they start thinking about fairness, they inevitably and automatically also start thinking about unfairness. “It’s not fair”. “What about me?” Hence one of our key family mottos is “we don’t do fair”.
Fairness motivates our love, kindness, care, compassion and support for those who have less. But fairness can also motivate envy, anger and resentment towards those who have more.
Children illustrate this problem very well. But we can also see the same problem in everyday life. Fairness is what makes us think of services as a “postcode lottery”. It’s not fair that others should have a smart new hospital or a better school or a particular service when I don’t have it. What about me? If I can’t have it, then nor should you. In this way, fairness can dampen innovation and excellence. Yuck.
Anyone who thinks that fairness is important in relationships is destined for a hard time. Not only does constant monitoring for signs of unfairness waste a great deal of energy but it also moves the relationship priority away from “we/ours” towards “you/yours” and “me/mine”. If you think things are unfair, why would you give without expectation, why would you forgive before receiving an apology, why would you sacrifice without anything in return, why would you take responsibility for sorting out problems, why would you be the one to break a negative cycle? A focus on fairness just makes it easy to justify blaming others rather than take responsibility for making things work.
Fairness appears to show concern for others. But really it’s all about me. If you won’t do it, then nor will I. It’s not fair. If I can’t have it, then nor should you. It’s not fair.
Life is not fair. It never will be. Yes, politicians and parents should do their utmost to deliver services as equally as possible, to treat people as equally as possible. But I suggest politicians pick a different word to summarise the kind of society they want. Equal. Kind. Just. Generous. Responsible. Compassionate. Anything but fair.
