Dear Headmaster,
Please find attached the Ofsted report on the latest addition to your teaching faculty, Mr Gordon Brown. As you know, we observed his performance over a range of subjects, and hope that our findings will help his very real, very personal journey, upwards, onwards, twirling, twirling, twirling, always towards the stars!
kind regards
Lettitia Prey
History
Mr Brown took an, er, unusual approach to this subject, telling his students that prior to 1997, the United Kingdom had suffered many decades of unremitting plague and doom ('The era of Boom-n-Bustism', as he called it), which had left the economy in tatters, the rainswept streets strewn with rubbish, and that the only sound to be heard in the never-ending twilight was a sort of low, keening wail of despondency. His demonstration of this wailing was perhaps the highlight of this lesson. After 1997, or 'Year Zero' as Mr Brown taught it, the country bounced into a period of never-ending expansionism, with record levels of sunshine. Mr Brown used the overhead projector to good effect in this session, displaying a sequence of pictures showing happy schoolchildren crying with joy whenever the 'Iron Architect of Growth', in Mr Brown's terminology, paid an impromptu visit to their villages.
Chemistry, Physics, Biology
Mr Brown referred to this, somewhat contemptuously in our view, as 'all that science stuff', and, rather than sticking to the syllabus, instructed his class to get on with reading up on Courage and other such important matters. While we have doubts over this approach to the scientific curriculum, we were pleased to see that he went so far as to provide every pupil a copy of a book about 'Courage', which he sold them at a very reasonable price, having brought with him a Books'NStuff Remainder bin filled with this important work.
English
Mr Brown stuck fairly close to the curriculum for this subject, although he instructed his students that henceforth the lessons would be known as British, since English was not a concept he was prepared to contemplate.
Mathematics
We reserve our severest doubts over Mr Brown's suitability as a teacher with regard to his performance while teaching basic arithmetic. If you have 100 poons, he asked his class, and spend 1000 of those poons, hoo many poons do you have available to spend next year? The class' understanding of arithmetical operations was not advanced by Mr Brown's triumphant claim: Next year ye'll have 100,000 poons! Do you hear? Always more poons! At this point our inspector intervened, and brought the lesson to a close.