Following on from Jonathan’s disquisition yesterday on the utility of celebrity endorsements for political parties, a spy at CCHQ has leaked me some of the pre-prepared announcements which will be fed to the press in the run up to the election.
Katie Price, author
What peepaw nee’ to unnerstan’ is tha’ I’m a real person, I’m no’ chus some celebriddy fashion model oo lives ov er looks, tha’ was Jordan, an’ I’m no’ Jordan, I’m Kaydee, an’ peepaw nee’ to see beyond my breas, an’ thas why I’m definitely vo’ing for David Camron, cos I heard he reely lahked me noo breas, do you lahk them, they’re yooj ain’t they? I nee’d sumpin to ge’ over ma split from tha’ bloke, and noo breas were chus the thing, an it reely made me fink, ‘ow is chus lahk picking a new government ain’t it, noo breas for a noo Britain.
Heather Mills McBeatle, former wife
Well I’m so heavily involved in my charity work, it’s everything to me, and it’s all I care about, and I really don’t have time for politics, but when David Cameron - we had a very serious relationship when I was at Cambridge, not many people know, and I don’t like to go on about it, but actually I was a fellow of Old Souls, and I supervised David's research into quantum physics, actually I had to do all his work for him, really I got him his First, he could barely write his name! - anyway when poor David rang me up, first thing I thought was ‘Oh no, I can’t ever have an affair with a Prime Minister, it would like get in all the papers and I’d be all over the radio and TV and I couldn’t have that, it would distract from my charity work, which is everything to me’ but he goes ‘Would you endorse our party for the election?’ and I thought, for old times’ sake, yeah go on why not - everyone loves a party.
Michael Portillo and Diane Abbott, television personalities
-- ‘I remember, Diane, that time you said -’
-- ‘Oh stop it! No don’t tell them that! They’ll print it!’
-- ‘Well, I’m sorry, but you did say [giggles] “I’m going to support the Labour party at the next election”’
-- ‘Oh stop it! No! Don’t be silly! Ha ha!’.
AS Byatt, author and sister
It was very cold in the 50s, and of course we all voted Labour then, it was the natural thing to do, it was a way, in other words, of apologising to our fathers, and to our fathers’ fathers, and to their fathers’ fathers, in an exponential wave of fathery fatheriness, to apologise to them for turning our backs on their artisanal instincts and taking to a life of Oxbridge and Books. That glow of fathery fatheriness kept the light of hope blinking through the 80s - everything was hot in the 80s, of course - to the new dawn of the Labour Jerusalem. So I won’t be supporting the Conservatives at the election, thank you. You might want to check with my sister.
Stanley Johnson, celebrity father
I remember - ha! ha! - I remember a time that Boris (he’s my son, does something in London they tell me, I could never get on with London, though I could have done whatever Boris is doing, you know, had I wanted to) said to me, ‘Pops, why don’t you go into politics? You’d be a natural at it’, but I don’t know, I’m so busy with all my other projects, but one day, maybe, I’ll turn my hand to parliament, and if I ever do, David Cameron can be sure that it’s his storm-lashed ship I’ll fasten myself on to.
Germaine Greer, feminist author
Listen, no listen, I said to Cameron, just listen you silly little man, you want me to support your pathetic little ‘party’, well, all right, I’ll support the so-called Conservative Party, just as long as it supports me, OK? Vote Blue Go Greer. Now get lost.
Boris Johnson, celebrity Mayor
Sorry, I’m not getting involved in politics.
[With apologies to the great Craig Brown]